Mistake

Dear P.N.

Today would be my last day here right before I start a new phase in my life. Your presence surely made me and my family happy, especially Evy and daddy. They love you. And I hope you feel the same way too.

Well, arguments happen all the times. But what I've learned throughout 23 years old of living, human will always make mistakes. From a small mistake, it will lead to a big arguments. But the output and the consequences from the arguments are all depends on the person, from both side. Either they want to just let it go and to try to solve it. Or, to glue every details of the arguments in mind.

My way of handling arguments is bad. Yes, I admit that. I tend to raise my voice without realizing it and when I reach to my boiling point, I would explode more. But, it takes me few minutes to cool down and eventually I'll try my best to fix things.
Because  I believe there is still space for me to make thing as it is. Faith.
And when it involves something or someone I love, I would do anything, yes anything to prove them that I deserve a second chance.
But when there's no second chance given, I would walk away, and move on. For the better.

Manusia sangat lemah. Eeasily fall, easily break into pieces.
Do you know why ?
Because human have feelings, emotions.

These two elements control us so much till we somehow tend not to think wisely before making any decision. Me myself has made a lot of mistakes. A lot.

And I will be glad if those people who i unintentionally hurt their feelings would forgive me.
I'm sorry.


-Because you are special, after all-

Gollum

It's a little bit funny to think back; the closest person to you suddenly become a total stranger. No more phone calls, no more BBMs. Disappeared. Invisible.

Yes, as we move through our lives, we make friends, enjoy friends and then we go our separate ways and find new friends and the cycle starts over again. But to think twice, we really never totally lose friends because we are influenced by their thoughts, words and deeds and we share our thoughts, words and deeds with them.

And we do indeed become what we take with us through life, from friends.That is why we should be so very careful choosing our friends. They do influence us regardless if we want them to or not.

And as for me, I have many, many friends. I hope that I have recognized their good attributes and that I have made myself a better person because of the good that I found in them. Allah blesses us with just a few friends that we remain close to, sometimes.

There is one guy, Gollum; the name I gave him. A very nice guy who happened to be a very close friend of mine after meeting him in one event. Always on the line whenever I need him. Pillow talks almost every weekends and he somehow taught me how to be strong; not to give up in whatever I do. And of course, I love having his company, as he named himself as "the backbone".

And I don't know how to put down in words when he suddenly tried put a distance between us. Well you see, it's really amazing when two strangers become the best of friends, but it's really sad when the best of friends become two strangers. 

*sigh

Mumble Jumble

So, I am now sipping my second cup of  teh-o-suam, at 3.19 am. Doing nothing at home somehow gave me an impact to write more; more on expressing whatever I had in mind. And a friend of mine also encouraged me to continue writing, though there's nothing much to share. But yea, will try my best to keep on posting new topics. :)

Mumble.

Do you mumble a lot ? Have you encountered people who mumbled continuously ? Do you ever feel like chocking them with cactus inside their lung to shut them up ? Does it annoy you when people mumble ?

Well, I do.

A lady once asked me, "Fieda, you speak too fast, are you nervous?". And this happened during one of my job interviews. I was paralyzed at second and I immediately answered "Nope, I had so much to tell you, and I can't help myself but to speak fast so that I won't miss any point ?" Haha, epic failure. -.-" Well, I sometime speak too fast without realizing it and I tend to eat my words in a weird way.

But in general, lack of confidence will make most people mumble and speak in a "machine-gun" like chatter. Random topics will pop out, and 24 hours without drinking any water will NOT easily make them to shut up.

A friend of mine loves to mumble. It got me to one point where instead of asking him to repeat whatever he told me, I just nod and pretended I heard and when he smiled, I assumed it is my cue that he said something funny and I had to politely laugh. (Good move, ha)

Well people mumble because they are trying to deliver their message in a few words as possible and as quickly as they can, often in a mumbled manner. And people do mumble when they are nervous.

Though mumbling would lead to difficulties to succeed in business or social relationships, I somehow find people who mumble are cute. I am definitely not "angkat bakul sendiri" here, but it is cute to hear people mumble (well, sometimes)

And why the hell am I writing about "mumbling" again ?

Trust Issues

I am basically writing this in general, not involving or to relate any of my personal problems, or any specific person I know. But speaking of which, it is not a rare thing for couples to sooner or later, run into a few bumps in the road. And from there, we can recognize the problems and eventually get a better chance of weathering the storm.

Trust. Honest. Loyal.

The idea of writing this post came by when I was shisha-ing with a close friend of mine, and we started to talk about "trust". And at one point I started to question myself; how does a couple ended up to have a trust issues? How does it get started ? A third person ? An affair ? Lack of communications ? Distance? Mistrust interfering with primary relationship ? Well, you tell me.

The point of being in a relationship is by loving each other, show support and willing to sacrifice to achieve whatever have been written in the so called "all-the-promises-to-be-with-you-till-the-end-of-time-mini-book". But, having a trust issues, would likely cause many problems.

A relationship that has the best chance to withstand all the tests of time is the one that is build on a solid foundation that consists of love, respect and trust. However, the crisis in confidence and trust have lead to betrayal.

A love triangle. How does it get started ? I pun tak faham. Maybe certain situation like "attention-issues"?
Girls love attention. They do the hair for the boyfriend to notice, do the make up for the boyfriend to feel "no-one-can-ever-compete-the-beauty-ness-in-her ". And when they do not get the attention, they tend to make the boyfriend jealous; by telling the boyfriend some other guys are chasing her. Well, it depends on the boyfriend to react. If the boyfriend cannot offer the attentions (which the other guys would), the girl obviously gonna be sad and the chasers (might be the boyfriend's friend) would take that chance to make the moves. Tapi ini sangat puppy love.

Fact : It is not easy to deal with trust issues when the relationship has been damaged.
I believe in order to succeed in restoring trust, a couple has to have a mutual understanding and an open communication. But yea, sometimes love is not enough to make everything go smoothly, as we continuously fear of being betrayed or fooled around.

And I am definitely agree that sometimes the truth may hurt us, but the honesty means more. Even if things don’t go quite smoothly in the beginning,  the honesty will be appreciated later on and the trust will be developed through time.


-LOVE-

And finally.

#np - Good Time, Owl City.

I am finally graduated (self-claim). Wohoo ! It has been 5 years. Yes, 5 years ! And I still can recall the first time I step myself into UTP and I was of course, amazed by the big Chancellor Hall and the mighty library. And from that moment, the 18-years-old girl told herself;

"I really want to be an engineer".

Being one of the UTP students really taught myself the idea of working hard. Because you see, I will not be able to survive without studying my ass off. Sometimes I wish the mini market sells the strong Gam Gajah so I can use it to glue myself on the chair and study. Crazy.

The environment, the surrounding somehow forced me to EAT, STUDY, DANCE, PLAY with a notepad-microchip being implanted in mind. & The students are creepy ; during my first semester back in Foundation, one of the students in my batch came to me and asked "Have you covered Chapter 1?" It was just 2 days after the semester started, for godsake !
But was in that kind of situation for years and; a nerd, tak-ada-life, F0 (freak-out) are all the names the housemates gave me. Well, that is my life. My precious life in UTP.

So 5 years. Yupe, time flies. Already packed my stuff and I am here in my hometown, waiting. Waiting for the result of my PETRONAS Structured Interview. But why do I have to feel so sad leaving UTP ? I was all excited counting days to finish up my degree last month. Sad. Yes, I am sad. The memories, definitely can't be replaced. *sigh*

Well, never thought I am going to start a career phase soon. Been through interviews for jobs and planning to start working in October, hopefully. With the support from the people I love, it wouldn't be a problem for me to pursue what I had in mind years ago. Failures are always going to be a deal on the table, ways on how to counter them matters. Family and friends play a big role. Advices from them should be kept in a pocket. ZIP.

Notes : Friends who help you in times of need, keep them. Friends who tend to ignore you and approach you during happy hours, kick them ass. We don't need parasite in our life.

You've got to be kidding me ?

Of course, all parents want the best for their kids. But in Kelantan, somehow the parents take things the other way around. They tend to plan among themselves, without discussing and planning further with the kids. For example, marriage.

Currently on my 10 days semester break, I've planned to spend more time with the family especially with my 2 years old niece, Evy. The fact that I am having fever now, I am not capable enough to entertain her with the so called "A-weem-ba-web-dance" and when she started to make the sad-cute faces, I JUST WANNA EAT HER ALIVE.

Mama on the other hand, was so excited to match me with her friend's son. -.-"
This is not the first time she did this. There were 4 families came to my house and were so excited to see me. Feel like being on top of KB Mall and shout "Am I that famous ? ! !" I just don't get the way they think.
I haven't crossed all the 'things-to-do' list and they expected me to get married ? Too soon, Ma. Plus, I am in a relationship, for godsake.

Parents tend to forget their kids are no longer "kids". They have set limits and rely on natural consequences for us to learn from making their own mistakes. And somehow they dictated how their kids should behave and do not expect the kids to disagree with their decisions. Yes, the want THE BEST for the kids, but when it involves the man who is going to marry the daughter, they should loosen up a bit.

Parents are firm, with kindness, warmth and love and somehow it's not wrong for them to set high standards and encourage their kids to be independent.

So, KAHWIN? You've got to be kidding me ? !

Review

I'm 23; this year.

I have so much to accomplish within a short period. Obstacles are always on the path and I should thank to god for giving me strength to put things together. Without obstacles, I won't learn to stand on my feet and counter the wind that blows me hard.

Syukur.

Never imagine to be in final year and only 2 semester to be completed. I'm proud of myself, very. It's actually an alarm to trigger me to say "It's my turn now to repay back the parent's sacrifices." I should face slap myself hard because I was acting so childish and stupid for blaming them not to give out any effort to make my family any better. It's hard when you have to deal with family problems, but mama showed me how strong she is, handling and dealing them all. I guess I got the strength from my mom. She's truly an idol.

& it somehow made me laugh to read back the 2008 and 2009 post. I got obsessed so easily. Well, that's how it works. You review back your past, you compare and at one point you figure how grown up you've become. Maturity is the word.

I've traveled all the way to be where I am now. Travel in this matter is the journey of countering the physical, mental and emotional breakdown. It's not easy to put the everyday-mask just for the sake of telling people "Hey, I'm okay". Yes, I used to wear it everyday. But at one point, I figured it was pointless.

& Adam Lutfie came into my life. Never fail to stop me from pursuing me dream. He's my drug now. He thought me how to be matured, act and think like an adult. Showed me how to see things differently. The path I had to go through won't be as smooth as it would be without him.

He is my inspiration, my big one true love. The best thing that ever happened to me in life and will be the most important thing for me today, tomorrow and forever. Cheesy ? Naaah.